Known

 Turn to God

February 22. 2012

We all have a desire to be known...especially women. I have really been contemplating this lately because the deepest desire of my heart is to be known...to be known for who I am, the depths of my heart and to be understood. Right now I feel a lack of being known in all areas of my life. It is so interesting to me how there is a theme...it is not just not having a husband, but in the workplace, amongst my friends and in every aspect of my life.

See, I am one who doesn't like to share the depths of my heart because I am afraid of what will happen if I am known. I fight two battles: to be known and fear of being known for fear of rejection. These work against each other and I am realizing this is a problem.

As I was headed to pray about this specific thing, a song popped into my head by an artist named Audrey Assad. This song not only resonated with me, but made me realize that I first need to desire to be known by God. He is the ONLY one who will ever know the depths of my heart no matter how much I share with someone. My flesh wants something tangible, but I need to focus on my Heavenly Father who desires for me to share every detail with Him.

As much as I desire to be married right now, I am thankful that I have this time to reflect on my need for God....my need to be His wholeheartedly.

So, today starts a new adventure...to be known by God and through that allowing others to know me as well and to open up to that depth of relationship that I am so afraid of.

Persistence

 Although slow, still climing

February 18.2012

I have been battling with my health still. To some, it may not seem like a big deal, but to be honest, I have been living in what feels like "hell on earth". I know this sounds horrible and I don't really mean it, but sometimes I wish that I had a more recognized "illness". I am sure if I were on the other side, I would say differently, but to every person that knows me, it seems like everything is ok. Even when I say I feel horrible, no one can see anything wrong, so it seems like I am ok and just crying wolf.

I am a very strong-willed, independent person and that has really helped me in some cases, but in this case, it has hurt me tremendously. Some days I am so tired and exhausted that I can barely get out of bed. Once I do, I put a smile on and a "pretend like everything is great" face and head to work, church, etc. Sometimes I question myself...am I crazy? Is this just all my imagination?

I hit a low point a few weeks ago when I felt completely hopeless. My closest friends didn't seem to care, older, wiser people didn't seem to care and to be honest, I had a moment where I doubted that God cared. I have cried out to Him every day for the last 3 1/2 years yet it seems like nothing has changed. I felt completely alone with no one to turn to and the one person I could turn to, I doubted that He even care. Which is when I discovered that in this particular area of my life, I still lack trust with God. Brokenhearted and weary, I confessed that to God and just somehow let the burden of my body go for a moment. I would not be honest to say that I didn't pick it back up again, but I think this is one of the biggest burdens I carry. I wish I could relay my heart to my friends and they would understand, but that is not the case. I wish I could tell everyone I come in contact with that I really am trying to lose weight, but nothing is working, but that is not reasonable either. Instead, I quietly keep fighting to find an answer about what is wrong.

That is when there was a Groupon for a clinic. I figured I would buy it because it was only $39 for allergy testing. I figured it couldn't hurt. After reading the story of the doctor, I decided it would be worth it. This week, was my appointment. I am always hesitant going in because I am never sure if I am going to hear the same answers and be in the same place. BUT, I got some answers. I found out that food I have been eating all along I am actually allergic to. And it is healthy food. The doctor explained things that were going on and said to me "In your case, the things you were eating to lose weight were actually making you pack on the pounds." Talk about relief. I don't even care that I am allergic to those things because I finally have some answers as to what is going on.

I have no idea what is going to come of this and if I am going to start losing weight because of this, but it is one step at a time. I often wonder what God is doing because there is something deep down inside me that believes this is part of a bigger picture. I am not sure what, but I know that He continues to lead me down different paths to learn different things. In this moment, I am relieved that someone actually validated what was going on and it made sense...and I feel a tiny bit better. That is a HUGE step considering I have been going downhill for the past several years. This one tiny step uphill is a huge victory in my book.

So, no matter how hard things may be and how many times I try and take back a burden, in this case, persistence paid off.

Honeymoon with Jesus

This is a really late post, but now is better than never. :) 

 

December 2. 2011

I just returned from one of the best vacations ever...with Jesus! This truly was a honeymoon with Jesus.

I have never been on a honeymoon before, but this is what I would picture it to be like: a time of intimacy with someone you love, enjoying beautiful scenery, a nice meal and growing and being challenged every step of the way. I would also imagine that it would include rest and refreshment.

This seems to be a yearly tradition that God seems to be creating. I just happened to have a few days I needed to take off before the end of the year and I decided to just see if there were any openings at the Prayer Lookout. I found out there were a few dates and settled on November 30th-December 2nd because that worked best with my schedule. What I didn't realize was that it was the EXACT time (minus one day) that I was there last year. I didn't think much about it until I arrived and saw that the note I left in the guest book last year was those dates. Oh how I love God!

Since I was a little more familiar with what to expect this year, I had a plan of what I was going to do.

Here are a few pictures of what I did:

 Amazing View all day, every day

 Walked down to an amazing creek. 

Sat on this amazing bench (a little wet and cold, but the view/scenery was worth it).

 Loved this little "doorway" the trees made. 

 Found rocks to represent my "burdens" I needed to give over to God. 

 Beautiful trail. 

 The view out the back door. 

 More creek. 

 The burdens I was giving to God this year. Each one was the perfect representation of the burden I was giving Him.

 Another picture of the rushing creek. I guess that same week, there had been major storms. 

 View out the front window. 

 The last day, I decided I wanted to have a "date" with Jesus. I know it sounds silly, but I really wanted to just enjoy a meal with Him. So often, I don't even think about eating and just do it because I have to and don't enjoy the food. I decided that I needed to splurge and I needed to treat it as if I were going on a date with a man. So, I had something I had been craving for a long time: grilled cheese sandwich and clam chowder. The adventure to getting there was quite a story as it was not close to where I stayed at all, however I believe that it was the PERFECT place for me to go. A quaint little town called Oceanside. 

 I got a table right by the window. Such an amazing view. 

 I decided to splurge on dessert too. 

 I picked up a few more rocks I needed  to represent my burdens. 

 Took a picture of this view as this was identical to a dream I had a few days prior. 

Stopped and got a tattoo on my way home. Something I had been thinking about doing for quite a while, but knew I needed to do it. The only bummer is, that same week it went away. 

 And lastly, enjoyed some Thai food which I had been craving for quite some time.

 Overall, this has been one of the best times I have had with God. I just LOVE how He has led me to start doing these trips. They are so good for my heart and soul and for someone who needs "quality time" with God.

God also gave me some specifics about what I would want in a husband and a wife here

Saviour, Please

Saviour Please...

This song describes exactly where I am at today. I haven't been blogging for a while but today I felt the need to. This is the cry of my heart and so much of what I fall into is pride and feeling like I can do it on my own. Thank you God for this song and the conviction of my heart that I cannot do it on my own. 

Saviour, Please by Josh Wilson

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last


I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

JOY

 JOY

December 26. 2011

I have to admit that I have kind of been an "Eeyore" on the inside during this Christmas season. There have been several factors that have played a part, but I just flat out wasn't "into" Christmas this year. I LOVED wrapping presents and getting them ready, but I dreaded the thought of another "get together" with my family. Not because I don't love spending time with them, but because I have just been really overwhelmed and in kind of a dark place lately.

On Christmas Eve, I had a really heavy and overwhelmed heart. I couldn't shake it. I prayed and asked God to help me "shake" the heavy feeling, but alas, it didn't go away. On Christmas day, I was still just as overwhelmed and really struggling to surrender it to God. In fact, it wasn't until tonight, that I got the time to do that. I knew deep down, that most of my problem was my lack of time with God lately. I needed some good quality time with Him and thankfully I got that tonight. 

As I was spending time with God tonight, He worked a miracle in my heart and I got to experience JOY. It is not that I haven't experienced JOY before, but today, it was almost instantly that it happened. 

To begin, I knew that I needed to talk to God about my heart and how I am still having a hard time letting love in (that will come in another post). I was given an amazing gift this week of time off by my brother and sister-in-law and an amazing boss who wanted me to have the time off. That alone still baffles me and the phrase that keeps coming through my head is "Why do I deserve that? Maybe it is a mistake or it will be a mistake after it happens." This is a problem I have....truly accepting things that people do for me and allowing people to love me WITHOUT expecting anything in return. 

After sharing my heart with the Lord, I read the devotional for the day. It was so good I have to type it out. It is out of "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. 

"I am the gift that continuously gives- bounteously with no strings attached. Unconditional Love is such a radical concept that even My most devoted followers fail to grasp it fully. Absolutely nothing in heaven or on earth can cause me to stop loving you. You may feel more loved when you are performing according to your expectations. But My Love for you is perfect; therefore it is not subject to variation. What does vary is your awareness of My loving Presence." 

"When you are dissatisfied with your behavior, you tend to feel unworthy of My Love. You may unconsciously punish yourself by withdrawing from Me and attributing the distance between us to My displeasure. Instead of returning to Me and receiving My Love, you attempt to earn my approval by trying harder. All the while, I am aching to hold you in My everlasting arms, to enfold you in My Love. When you are feeling unworthy or unloved, come t Me. Then ask for receptivity to my unfailing love." 

1 John 4:15-18 

¹⁵ Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. ¹⁶ So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. ¹⁷ By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

Deuteronomy 33:27

²⁷ "The eternal God is your dwelling place,^[a] and underneath are the everlasting arms.^[b] And he thrust out the enemy before you and said, ‘Destroy.’"

      
As I read this verse, there were a couple of footnotes that I decided to look into more. The first was place which said "a dwelling place". The second was everlasting arms which said "He subdues the ancient gods and shatters the forces of old." This got me thinking...I have desperately been needing that "place". The security and safety of the Lord and foolishly I have not been going there. So, that is confession #1. As I thought more about "everlasting arms"  I was convicted because there are still some "forces of old" that are getting in the way of my life. The biggest is the wall that I put up to not let love in. I am afraid of being vulnerable and accepting that I am worth being loved. I know there is much more to this than just stating it, but this is the start of something big God wants to DESTROY. Speaking of "destroy", I looked up the word that is also in this verse and discovered that most of the time it was used in the Old Testament, it was talking about destroying idols or other gods. Talk about convicting. I believe that my wall of protection has in fact become an idol in a twisted way. The word destroy means "to exterminate, be destroyed". I was thinking about the times that God destroyed a whole group of people or He asked the Israelites to get rid of their idols..not just one or part of one, but ALL. That is what I am needing to do...DESTROY this idol/god that has taken a spot in my life.

Psalm 13:5 

5  "But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation."

As I was talking to God and surrendering this idol, it was almost immediately that God shared something with me that still has me in awe and amazement. For a long time, God has put my family on my heart. I believe simply asking me to just live my life and be a witness. At times it has been really hard and discouraging, but God has slowly shown me fruit from that. I NEVER envisioned what happened tonight to happen...NEVER. 

Before I share, there is a little back story: My stepbrother, Carson, and I don't really have a relationship. He is a jokester...never serious and I am quite opposite...always serious. We just don't have a lot in common and since he was off to college when our parents married, we never really had the chance to form a relationship. Now he is married and has a beautiful little girl. While that has helped, it still has been very much acquaintance. I usually post a verse every day on Facebook and sometimes he will make random comments (half the time I think they are just sarcastic comments). I just laugh and think "Oh Carson". Still, we have never really had any serious conversations. 

So, tonight, I received a text from him asking for my email address. No big deal...he never texts me, but I figured it was just to send me information about a trip they are taking since I will be watching their daughter at that time. Then I received another text...this one bringing me to tears because God gave me a gift of seeing that He was working. The text read:

"I hope that you know that you're one of my favorite peeps. Growing up my whole life in the 'Christian bubble' some people talk the talk and some people walk the walk. You do both and I sincerely respect that about you."

And if that was not enough, I got another one: 

"I am very proud of you. Devoting your life to Him is obviously easier said than done. Have a much deserved week off...you don't take off enough time."

This was not of MY own doing, but God's. There is NO WAY I could have orchestrated what has happened in my family and ALL of the credit goes to God. I am praising God right now because He has given me an amazing JOY. Joy that is not from presents (although that is nice) or from material things, BUT from the fruit of doing what God has asked me to do. He is right...it isn't always easy and little does he know that I have really been struggling lately. I am so thankful that God has used me even in my weakest times to reflect Him. 

What an AMAZING God we serve!