May 5.2011
I am done with my 40 day challenge, but I still feel it is important to add my thoughts regarding my body. In some ways, yes, I feel like God has helped me to be healthy and learn what it is like to live healthy. He has changed my mind and heart a lot in the past 4o days. On the same hand, I still struggle with my body image and truly staying focused on what matters. I have days where it is no big deal and then other days (like today) where I struggle a lot. It is not so much that I struggle with eating or not eating, it is that when I gain weight (whether it is water, it is that time of the month or what), I freak out. Those are the days that it takes effort to trust and believe that God is still healing my body and that He can be trusted...and that it is worth it to be where I am at. Today is one of those days where I should be asking for prayer to keep focused because I need it. I wish that was not the case, but sadly it is. It keeps me ever so dependent on the Lord.
I read this, this morning in Jesus Calling and it was perfect for me:
"Relax in the knowledge that the One who controls your life is totally trustworthy. Come to ME with confident expectation. There is nothing you need that I cannot provide."
So, my prayer today is that Jesus is my center and my everything. That I take one day at a time and truly depend on Him for whatever I need. Today it is strength to trust Him and make it through the day!
I am done with my 40 day challenge, but I still feel it is important to add my thoughts regarding my body. In some ways, yes, I feel like God has helped me to be healthy and learn what it is like to live healthy. He has changed my mind and heart a lot in the past 4o days. On the same hand, I still struggle with my body image and truly staying focused on what matters. I have days where it is no big deal and then other days (like today) where I struggle a lot. It is not so much that I struggle with eating or not eating, it is that when I gain weight (whether it is water, it is that time of the month or what), I freak out. Those are the days that it takes effort to trust and believe that God is still healing my body and that He can be trusted...and that it is worth it to be where I am at. Today is one of those days where I should be asking for prayer to keep focused because I need it. I wish that was not the case, but sadly it is. It keeps me ever so dependent on the Lord.
I read this, this morning in Jesus Calling and it was perfect for me:
"Relax in the knowledge that the One who controls your life is totally trustworthy. Come to ME with confident expectation. There is nothing you need that I cannot provide."
So, my prayer today is that Jesus is my center and my everything. That I take one day at a time and truly depend on Him for whatever I need. Today it is strength to trust Him and make it through the day!
40 Day Challenge
Honestly, I am not one to "advertise" my diet plan. In fact, I try and hide it and just hope that I can white knuckle through getting healthy. I have been realizing that a lot lately as I have amazing health coaches that can help me with all of the back work and basics of getting healthy, but I won't give them the time of day if I see them. This is something that really frustrates me a lot. It is as if I won't allow my two worlds to collide. I need them to collide. I need them to change...but how?I am starting here...writing it down for the possibility of someone seeing it. Who knows, maybe I will get enough guts to actually allow more people to see one of my biggest struggles: weight loss.
My ENTIRE life I have struggled with it...whether it has been being on a diet or the extreme...having an eating disorder. I am not proud of my past and that I struggled with an eating disorder for about 12 years, however, I can't change my past. I can only now choose to live a healthy life. Not focused on "losing weight" but instead focusing on how to live healthy and make healthy choices.
For the next 40 days, I am challenging myself to live healthy. To be accountable and to really desire to be changed from the inside out by the Lord in regards to being healthy. I know that it is not going to be easy, but also as Matthew 19:26 says, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Not only is my challenge going to include living healthy, but I am going to read through the New Testament. It will be about 6 1/2 chapters per day.
And so it begins...
That is exactly what I am afraid of...being attacked or harmed emotionally. Isn't that what we are all afraid of a little bit? For some, I think that fear is more than others...which I have discovered for me it is. We have no reason to fear, but for some reason we do. God is our protector. These verses are a good indicator that we have a protector and someone who truly cares about us.
Psalm 18:1-3
1. "I love you, O Lord my strength." (In Hebrew it would read "I will love you...")
2. "The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."3. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies."
This week, two people asked for my blog address: a co-worker and my best friend. I really didn't want to share it with them, but I didn't know why. Now I do, I would have to be that much more vulnerable. But, trusting God, I gave it to them. That is now only 4 people that can see my blog that I have allowed and I am ok with that. There is, sadly, a sense of control I have with that. I know that before long, God is going to ask me to open up to more people and allow more people in. For now, it is just those 4 people...soon to be 5. This is the deepest part of my heart that I have felt like God wants me to share...something that is not easy but I am trying to be obedient.
I heard this song by Lady Antebellum called “Ready to love again” and I teared up because this is where I am at...I am starting to feel more than I have in the past.
Day 15
1. We pray because Jesus prayed.
This is a picture of what I feel like God has been showing me since the Night in Prayer. This picture was so vivid at the Night in Prayer and God continues to remind me of it. Growing up, I was always intimidated/scared of my dad because I didn't want to get into trouble. I realized that I was doing the same thing to God. There is such thing as having a healthy reverence for Him, but I took it too far. It was as if I couldn't look at Him in the face. During worship at the Night in Prayer, I felt like the Lord ever so gently said, "Look at me. It is ok. I want to see your face." For a time, that picture was stuck in my head as I worshiped, but I feel like I am still a work in progress with this. Even this morning, I felt like the Lord was saying, "Look up at me. It is ok." I love how our Heavenly Father is so gentle, yet so reassuring to us.
Day 35
When I began this 40 day challenge, I thought it was only going to be about my body and the struggles I have to live healthy, but God has done what He always does...opened my eyes to see what He wanted...not what I wanted or what I thought I would want.
This picture depicts exactly what is going through my mind and where God has been leading me. The definition of vulnerable from Dictionary.com is:
1. Exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
Psalm 18:1-3
1. "I love you, O Lord my strength." (In Hebrew it would read "I will love you...")
2. "The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."3. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies."
This week, two people asked for my blog address: a co-worker and my best friend. I really didn't want to share it with them, but I didn't know why. Now I do, I would have to be that much more vulnerable. But, trusting God, I gave it to them. That is now only 4 people that can see my blog that I have allowed and I am ok with that. There is, sadly, a sense of control I have with that. I know that before long, God is going to ask me to open up to more people and allow more people in. For now, it is just those 4 people...soon to be 5. This is the deepest part of my heart that I have felt like God wants me to share...something that is not easy but I am trying to be obedient.
Purging the old-Facing the new:
For so long, I have tried to get rid of the old...to not focus on the past or to get rid of everything that would tie me to my past. This would include all of the clothes from when I was in a previous relationship, all the pictures I had from the past where I didn’t like the way I looked (especially when I was at my heaviest), any pictures of my dad and I that were obviously in my way. Basically, anything that reminds me of the past...of who I was and the things I have gone through. This includes where I grew up and talking about the things from my past. What I realized today was that I have been so good about pushing away the past and not confronting it, and maybe for a season that was good, but not now. I need to face my past. This is one of those instances where God asks you to do something and you almost want to say “Wait, are you sure you want me to do that? Is there any other way besides that?” Today was one of those days. As I was thinking on a concert I went to last night for girls who have been abused and in sex trafficking, they have had to face their past, what am I so worried about? Then it hit me, vulnerability. I am ok about being vulnerable about the things I have struggled with for a while: my body image and weight struggles. God knows what I am not ok with being vulnerable about and He asked me to confront that. As I was driving down to Newberg, He asked me to go to my old house in Sherwood and take a picture today. Not only take a picture, but post it here...on my blog.
That is something that is so much a part of my past that no one (except those that grew up with me) knows about. My best friend, my old boyfriend, no one has seen my old house...where I grew up. There is a huge part of me that wants to show my best friend my old house, but there is fear that gets in the way. What if I show her a huge part of my life and we stop being friends? Even as I type this, I get sick to my stomach and overwhelmed. Why am I vulnerable about this? I think it is because this is where one of the toughest things in my life happened: my dad killed himself. I have a hard enough time going back there, but what if I take someone there and they don’t get how important it is for me. How much it means and they trample on my tender heart? I am realizing that one of my biggest fears is being vulnerable.
Just recently I was vulnerable to some friends about my struggle with my body image and they proceeded to talk about how they thought they were fat or tell my best friend that she is looking skinny (when I know she hasn’t really been trying). Anger arose out of me that I didn’t know existed. I was hurt, deeply hurt. The millions of times I have shared my prayer requests regarding my struggles (past and present) and they didn’t connect the dots. I know I need to have grace for them and I know that I can’t expect everyone to know what my “triggers” are and aren’t, but it hurt that the closest people to me didn’t even seem to care. I know that is not reality, but that is how I felt.
So, all of this to say, I need to allow myself to be vulnerable...which will probably take time and sometimes it might involve hurt. In my case, it is time to start looking at the past and facing my fears having to do with the past. So, with a deep breath, here it goes. This is the place where the life of a little 11 year old girl changed drastically. The place where my dad chose to end his life and leave me without a dad when I needed him most.
The top of our hill. One of my best friend's house is on the right hand side.
The front of my house
The back of my house which overlooked Wilsonville and the mountains
I heard this song by Lady Antebellum called “Ready to love again” and I teared up because this is where I am at...I am starting to feel more than I have in the past.
Here is the song. Such a beautiful song and although I am not in a relationship, I still feel like God is showing me that this is where I need to be. I am ready to feel emotions and ready for what God puts in front of me. I know He will put it in front of me when I can handle it and He wont' give me anything I can't handle.
Lyrics:
"Ready To Love Again"
Seems like I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognize my own reflection, no
Scared of love but scared of life alone
Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go
Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again
Just when we think that love will never find you
You runaway but still it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that you can't control
Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again
So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight
Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, I'm ready to love again
Seems like I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognize my own reflection, no
Scared of love but scared of life alone
Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go
Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again
Just when we think that love will never find you
You runaway but still it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that you can't control
Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again
So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight
Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, I'm ready to love again
Day 32
Some days are easier than others regarding marriage. Somehow I knew this day would come again where I struggled with being single. Being surrounded by dating, engagements, upcoming marriages, marriages and babies, sometimes I feel like I am missing out. The rational part of me knows that I am in the place God wants me to be, but there is a part of me that longs to be married and have kids. Don't get me wrong, I love where God has me, but I also deeply long to be married and have kids. This is one thing I constantly have to surrender to the Lord. Ultimately, I want what He wants from my life and right now that is not to be married or dating. This song was perfect for today. It was perfect for reminding me that I needed Him first and I needed to recenter and refocus. I love how God always wants to draw us back to Him.
Day 25
To say that this week has been crazy and I am exhausted is an understatement. It is Easter week and it is one of the biggest times of the year for the church. Not only are we gearing up to have an additional Easter gathering at church, we are having a guest speaker that is going to be drawing more people as well. I feel as though everything at work has been crazy this week and I can barely keep my head above water. I am so thankful that tomorrow is Friday and that next week WILL NOT be as crazy. Just one more day this week and then the weekend! I can't wait!
As I was thinking about today and just how crazy it was (on top of the fact that I am emotional this week which is not like me), this song kept popping into my head. I think it is fitting and a good reminder that I will take with me into tomorrow.
Day 24
Day 23
Day 20
Day 18
Today I had a major victory...I went to the grocery store and bought only what I needed and what was good for me. I know that most people can do this on a regular basis, but for me it was HUGE. Usually, if I can somehow muster up enough strength to resist the temptation and leave the store without something that is not good for me, that is a miracle. But, sadly, more often than not, I choose to buy my "go to cravings": peanut butter, Reses Peanut Butter cups, frosting, etc. As I walked through the aisles, I did look at the things that normally would jump out at me and create an "I have to have that now" mentality, I simply passed by and didn't care at all. Shocking. I think as I strolled through the store I was absolutely shocked that I was doing that. It was so unlike me. I didn't even want to start eating my "healthy choices" when I was in the car (usually I am starving and for some reason can't wait the 10 minutes it takes to get home). Even better, when I got home, I only wanted to eat a simple, small and healthy meal. I am full and completely satisfied with what I had. I know that this is common for a lot of people, but for me, it has been the complete opposite in my life. I have lived, breathed and even slept food. Everything in me was dreaming about food and the food I was going to try and stay away from or the food I wanted to cheat with, the next meal I was going to eat or what I was going to have the next day. It completely consumed me.
I know people that absolutely love food. They can't wait to eat at this place or that place. Honestly, I don't enjoy food at all. I have been completely obsessed with what it will do to my body, what I can and can't eat and the negative effects of it. I don't know why I am so blown away at what God has done because I asked for it. Did I really not think that He would answer me or that He could one day completely transform my mind? I am so happy and filled with joy right now because this is a true miracle. Something I have wanted and battled for a long time. There is a small part of me that is sad...sad that I haven't trusted my Heavenly Father enough to deep down in my heart believe that He could heal me...transform me from the inside out.
I am so excited to see where He is going to take me from here. I feel like for the first time I have a different view of food. I pray that my mind can continue to remember where He has brought me and how He has changed me.
Day 23
"And your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, "This is the way, walk in it, when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left." |Isaiah 30:21|
This is what my life has been described as for the past several years, but especially the last couple of months. It is amazing how God literally tells us what the next step to take is as long as we are listening to Him. Although it can be frustrating to not see what is ahead, sometimes it is the best. I will never forget my friend Sara describing a time when she went to the beach and the path she was taking seemed to take her deeper into the forest AWAY from the beach, but it was beautiful and ended up bringing her to the beach. How many times has it seemed like the Lord is taking us farther from where we want to go or where we think He is leading us only to bring us right to it (in a different way). I love how unbelievably faithful our Father is.
This has been such a long journey and continues to be for me. I am realizing a lot of ugly things about myself, but I am so thankful that I am at the point where I can realize that they do need to be dealt with and that I need to allow God to refine me so I can be who He created me to be.
The path God has taken me on with my body and food has been really difficult for me. I wish that I could detail every single step of the way, but now is not the time. Someday maybe. But for now, I want to share where He has taken me in the past 9 months.
1. I started Take Shape For Life (a Medifast program). It was amazing and I learned a lot by going through the book and learning a lot about the science behind why our bodies need fuel and what kind of fuel our bodies need. I had amazing health coaches who guided me every step of the way...they were patient and they were so willing to help me every time I hit a huge road block. That was unique...and 100% God.
2. I decided that there was something missing so I really decided to pursue other options. As I was doing this, God helped me to realized that I had a major road block...in the image of a path, a down tree that was too big to climb over. I needed to face it right on. That was the ugly realization that I do not love myself...in fact, I despise myself, my body. Although I have realized this, the next step is to actually deal with it and figure out the reasons why and eventually get to the point where I love who God created me to be.
3. I decided that I wanted to try the HCG diet which was good and taught me a lot of good things (such as: there is sugar in garlic salt and in a lot of things you would not think would contain it).
4. After the sermon this weekend, I felt as though all of my life I have been so legalistic about my body and food (whether it was on a diet or not eating or working out too much, etc..) and I needed to live less "rule based" and be a little more free. Now this is not just eating whatever, but using the skills that God has given me and the knowledge He has given me in the past few months to make healthy choices. So, I decided to stop all diets and just eat healthy and walk a little bit at a time.
5. I am on this next step of the journey. Trusting God through the times where I don't have a "program" to fall back on and I don't have a next step or someone to blame if I don't eat the right thing or I gain weight...it is all on me and I need to take ownership. I have every confidence that as I begin this journey that He will show me and tell me every step to take. I just need to make sure my ears are open to listen and my feet are ready to walk.
This has been such a long journey and continues to be for me. I am realizing a lot of ugly things about myself, but I am so thankful that I am at the point where I can realize that they do need to be dealt with and that I need to allow God to refine me so I can be who He created me to be.
The path God has taken me on with my body and food has been really difficult for me. I wish that I could detail every single step of the way, but now is not the time. Someday maybe. But for now, I want to share where He has taken me in the past 9 months.
1. I started Take Shape For Life (a Medifast program). It was amazing and I learned a lot by going through the book and learning a lot about the science behind why our bodies need fuel and what kind of fuel our bodies need. I had amazing health coaches who guided me every step of the way...they were patient and they were so willing to help me every time I hit a huge road block. That was unique...and 100% God.
2. I decided that there was something missing so I really decided to pursue other options. As I was doing this, God helped me to realized that I had a major road block...in the image of a path, a down tree that was too big to climb over. I needed to face it right on. That was the ugly realization that I do not love myself...in fact, I despise myself, my body. Although I have realized this, the next step is to actually deal with it and figure out the reasons why and eventually get to the point where I love who God created me to be.
3. I decided that I wanted to try the HCG diet which was good and taught me a lot of good things (such as: there is sugar in garlic salt and in a lot of things you would not think would contain it).
4. After the sermon this weekend, I felt as though all of my life I have been so legalistic about my body and food (whether it was on a diet or not eating or working out too much, etc..) and I needed to live less "rule based" and be a little more free. Now this is not just eating whatever, but using the skills that God has given me and the knowledge He has given me in the past few months to make healthy choices. So, I decided to stop all diets and just eat healthy and walk a little bit at a time.
5. I am on this next step of the journey. Trusting God through the times where I don't have a "program" to fall back on and I don't have a next step or someone to blame if I don't eat the right thing or I gain weight...it is all on me and I need to take ownership. I have every confidence that as I begin this journey that He will show me and tell me every step to take. I just need to make sure my ears are open to listen and my feet are ready to walk.
Day 20
"Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong."
1 Corinthians 16:13, NLT
This is a good reminder for me this morning as I begin to face the day. Every once in a while, I wake up with a heavy heart for the day ahead and today was one of them. I woke up after having a bad dream. Now, to me a bad dream is one that leaves me heavy hearted and is usually somewhat real to life and is emotional. I had one of those last night. In my dream I couldn't stop crying. I know I need the Lord and His strength and power to fight. Today is my best friends birthday and we have a whole day planned. Although I would love to curl up on my bed and just spend the day with the Lord and try and work through some things, that is not the case. I need to just push through today because I know and have confidence that God is on my side. What a beautiful thing, right? Thank goodness I have Him on my side because I have no idea where I would be without Him. One step, minute and decision at a time, God will guide me. What a beautiful think we have in Him.
Such a good song and a good reminder for me today.
Such a good song and a good reminder for me today.
Day 18
Today I woke up somewhat refreshed and relieved. Not that I had any solutions from what God showed me last night, but I had a sense of freedom that He had answered a prayer that I have had for quite some time "Is there something else that I am missing or that is blocking me from living completely free?" He answered that prayer last night by showing me something that had been a huge road block/wall for me.
I was prompted by a friend last night to ask myself the question, "Why do I hate me?" These are the reasons I came up with.
Reasons I struggle to love myself:
- My body
- I am fat
- I am not skinny
- I have had to be on a diet my entire life
- I fail at the diets that I do
- I am failing a losing weight
- I can’t seem to get food and my weight under control
These things are all keeping me from seeing anything else that could be good in my life. I can’t seem to see anything but my failures and my body issues. I wish so much that I could get rid of this and see beyond these things. The great thing is that I know God can help me to break through that wall. That is a strong, thick and HUGE wall that I have to break down. I know this is something that is not going to be easy, but I know that God will lead me, He will be my comforter and my healer. It just might take longer than I want, but it IS possible. It is so interesting because the picture God has given me is that He is cleaning out my heart...doing some spring cleaning and although He has cleansed a lot of my heart, there is still some stuff that has to be deep cleaned. It is as if mold grew in the corner and God is using bleach to get it out. I am glad because I want to be clean and free. I am so thankful to the Lord for revealing this to me because I have been asking for Him to show me what it was that has been in the way. In the midst of seeing some complete ugliness, I still see that He loves me enough to reveal it to me a the right time and to have already given me the tools to work on it. Things to think about and process. One day at a time...that is all I have to worry about.
I can’t wait for the day that I can list reasons I love myself. I am not there yet. I can list things that I am good at, but those are accomplishments. I know that He loves me and that I am His daughter.I know someday it will come.
Day 17
As much as I would want to drag my feet and not post this incredibly honest and vulnerable area of my life, I feel that as much as God has continued to ask me to be honest, this is in its rawest form.
For the past few weeks/months, I have really been struggling because I seem to have lost motivation to be healthy. I have tried everything from finding accountability partners to trying to muster up enough motivation "to lose the weight". I honestly figured that if I just started acting and tried my hardest, it would eventually would come. BUT, I was wrong. No matter how much I tried or how many people I had praying and keeping me accountable, nothing was working. Being a perfectionist and really wanting to be healthy, I could not figure out what was wrong with me. Bottom line, I was really discouraged and felt completely defeated. It has gotten to the point in the past few days that I have been researching places to go (i.e. clinic for people who have eating disorders), contemplated calling my doctor or being willing to just put myself into full time counseling just to figure out what was going on. I even asked my counselor for advice since she knows me the best out of anyone. I kept feeling like there is something wrong. Something still that I am dealing with and that I haven't figured out that is stopping me from actually wanting health and happiness for myself. There would be many times that I would really stress and cry, knowing and believing that there was no way that I was ever going to get married in this state. I want to be healthy (mentally, physically and spiritally) for my future husband. It is really important to me. I want to be able to encourage and build him up, but where I am at right now, that honestly would not be possible long term.
The place I have been has not been away from God. I have been reading the word almost daily, trying to put my focus on Christ and trusting that His plan was perfect. I just was at a loss. I felt like I kept asking God to refine me and show me what I needed to see. In fact, as I got out of my car last night, a though crossed my mind..."If anyone were to ask me how I was doing, I would say exhausted". I am so completely weary in this battle that I am fighting and I am not sure how much longer I can do this. In my head, I know that we need to continue to fight and allow God to have the victory, but I was at a dead end...not sure where to go.
That is where tonight comes into play. I decided to do a study on deception. In my counseling in the past, this had been a pivotal study for me. I vividly remember being completely immersed in my eating disorder constantly bingeing and purging, always going to drive-thru restaurants and ordering TONS of food, eating it all until I felt like I was going to explode and then throwing it all up. I remember after doing the study and repenting of the sin, I did not have a temptation to pull into that drive-thru restaurant and continue my usual routine. In fact, I didn't even have a temptation to think about doing that. So, tonight, I decided I wanted to read over the study again. About halfway through the study (after numerous times of confessing and repenting for sins), I hit something that was bigger than I could have ever imagined. So big, it brought me to tears (I am not a crier). The statement on deception read this:
Deception is a great barometer for what is in our souls...one of the grafted roots to deceit is bitterness. Deceit can be a covering for hatred. Often where there is hatred in our hearts, we pretend to be friendly or unbothered, when in fact we have no kind thoughts toward the other person at all and we are all tied up in knots inside.
It was in that moment that I realized that I had bitterness and hatred towards myself. For as long as I can remember I have hated myself. I am my own worst enemy. It made me sad to step outside of my body and know that it wasn't right, but to not know how to change it. Of course, I repented of my sin and have asked the Lord how to show me how to love myself. Not just in my head, but in my heart. It is so mind-blowing to me because I DO believe in my heart that God loves me and wants the best for me, I DO believe that He created me just the way I am and I believe everything I have read in the Word. BUT for some reason, deep down in my heart, I don't like myself. Not even don't like, hate. That is a strong word, but I know that is what is deep down. I don't want to hate myself. In fact, it is making me tear up just thinking about that. No child/woman/man should hate themself, but I do.
This is why I am not married or why things with the clinic/vision haven't taken off yet. I cannot bring this into a marriage or into helping other girls. This is why I struggle. I am my own worst enemy and for whatever reason, I sabbatoge myself. Since I don't like myself, I treat myself bad. I know, it is so weird. Usually people hate other people or carry around bitterness towards others....instead, I am directing all of it back on myself.
Nothing has changed since I had this revelation. I didn't suddenly love myself. I didn't suddenly lose all the weight that I wanted to. I didn't suddenly change into a different person and accept myself for who I am. BUT, God showed me an area of ugliness that I needed to work on. That I needed to confess and give to Him. I don't know what to do from here...but my first step was admitting it, not only to myself but to my counselor, putting it on this blog and I think to a couple of other friends. I know I need to ask for prayer for this. My biggest fear: the people I feel I should ask for prayer from might not think I am qualified to serve in the prayer room or to help anyone else. But, I have to be ok with that if it does happen and on the other hand I need to trust God that He will use this and He will allow me the opportunity if that is His will. Regardless, I still have to TRUST Him.
I am thankful that He showed this to me. Not because it was easy, but because it was needed. It was part of the leaven that He is trying to rid me of. I am thankful not only that He is helping me walk through this now, but I know that He is going to use this to help someone else someday. I can't be the only one who has struggled in this way and my guess is that a lot of girls who have eating disorders have a similar struggle. Maybe not as deep or harsh, but similar.
As I was reflecting on what God showed me, these 3 songs played all in a row. They are all PIVOTAL songs in my struggle and in my healing:
Day 15
Today, God has been reminding me of how much I need to increase my prayer life. I was listening to a sermon tonight from Rock Harbor Church in California and the pastor mentioned that praying is like breathing to the spiritual life. That is so true. Sadly, my prayer life isn't always perfect. In fact, God reminded me today at how much it is lacking. Not that it is non-existent, but I definitely need to step it up a notch.
A while ago, He prompted me to put reminders in my phone to pray for people. For a long time, when those reminders would come up, I would pray specifically for those people. Now, sadly, when they come up, sometimes I just ignore the alarm because I am "too busy" and other times I pray, but it is usually a general prayer. How sad!
In the past it has always seemed the more I prayed, the more specific God would show me how to pray for people and it almost seemed that I constantly was praying for someone in a specific way...for years I allowed Him that place in my life. Sadly, I got content and let it slip. I don't want that anymore. I want that closeness I had with my Father. I want the realness of that constant communion with Him.
As I listened to half of the sermon on prayer today entitled "Why We Pray" (http://www.rockharbor.org/media/message/why-we-pray/), the scripture reference was this:
Luke 11:1-4
"Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples." And he said to them, "When you pray, say: Father, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come...."
These are the things I gleaned from the message thus far (I will continue this tomorrow after I have listened to the entire sermon).
1. We pray because Jesus prayed.
2. We pray to our Father.
3. Jesus not only prayed in the beginning of his ministry, but when he was faced with death...in the toughest time.
Wonderful thoughts to ponder as I renew my prayer life. :)
Day 14
How He Loves Us
David Crowder Band
The theme today seems to be "ASK". As I was catching up on some reading from the past few days, the thing that kept sticking out to me was to not be afraid to ask God. No, He is not my vending machine where I ask, get and then move on. I tend to be the opposite, not wanting to ask Him for anything pertaining to me personally. Of course I can ask Him for my family, friends, vision, etc... but personally, I tend to have a harder time. I do ask, don't get me wrong, but I think He is really challenging me today. These are the verses He gave me for today:
John 15:7
"If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you."
John 15:16
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give to you."
John 16:23-24
"...Truly, truly I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask and you will receive that your joy may be full."
This weekend has been a great weekend, yet a good reality check for me. Yesterday I went to a woman's ministry brunch with my mom. (That opportunity in and of itself was a HUGE answer to prayer concerning my family.) I was a little bit nervous about what the topic was going to be since I knew that it was going to be on body image and my struggles from the past have been a tension between my mom and I at times. As hard as it is for me to admit, I went with my prayers being focused on God working in my mom and truly showing her how much HE needs to be a priority in her life. Since I knew what it was going to be about, I prepped myself, but since the speaker and I have somewhat similar stories, I thought I would be ok. What I realized was even more ugliness inside of me.
I realized that I still don't have it all together as much as I want to. Being a perfectionist, that is a constant struggle. God is teaching me, though, that honesty is really important. The more real and honest we are, I believe, the more He can use us.
I realized that I still have to battle the thoughts that creep into my mind about wanting to be skinny.
I realized that this will probably be a lifelong battle for me just to constantly be fighting and on guard. I think this was the hardest because I am absolutely exhausted...both mentally and physically. The physical struggle has been really hard in the past year or so and in the past few months it seems to be getting worse. As I was, yet again, exhausted this morning when I woke up, I realized that the one thing I could do during this time was to pray for a woman I know who has chronic fatigue syndrome. I have a little taste of what it is like to be fatigued all of the time and honestly, it is miserable.
I realized I still need to work on dealing with my emotions. I hate to admit it, but yesterday after the brunch, I was so filled with emotions (good and bad) that instead of turning to God and His word, I decided to indulge on things that help me numb my feelings/emotions: shopping and candy. I knew it was wrong (especially since it is not on my program), but in that moment, I didn't care. I wish that I could say that I chose the right direction and walked away, I didn't. It wasn't until late last night that I realized what I had done.
This morning as I was sitting in church, our pastor referenced a verse that I had not thought about in a while:
1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
I need to remember this verse when I am being tempted. One thing I appreciate about what the woman shared yesterday at the brunch was that it is a constant battle. I need to remember that in the good and the bad times.
So, what am I asking God for today:
1. To heal my body from the damage I have done through my eating disorders.
2. To give me energy to function and get through the day.
3. To help me see the "way of escape" when I am tempted.
4. To help me deal with my emotion head on.
5. To help me lose weight. There is a vision the Lord gave me a couple of times of me waking up one morning in my bed and all of the weight being gone. I know that He could have been giving me that vision for some other reason or in regards to something else, but I think I would be somewhat foolish if I didn't at least believe that was possible. I am going to chose to have that faith of a mustard seed...that small seed...that He is able to heal my body in an instant. At the same time, I am also going to continue to keep my eye on Him...and trust that He will heal me however He wants and whenever He wants.
