Worms

Terrarium

It has been quite a while since I have blogged. A lot has happened since then some good and some bad. 

The other day I was looking at this beautiful terrarium I was given when I left my job at the church. One of the nicest things about this terrarium is that it is low maintenance. I do not have a green thumb and pretty much tend to kill every plant. One day I happened to notice that some of the leaves on the plant were dying. I was curious so I took off the lid and once I looked around, I noticed there were worms that were taking over and killing the plants. This was unfortunately a reflection of my own life at the moment. You see, the worms that had taken over in my life were bitterness, unforgiveness and a lack of faith. I have been trying for so long to make things "ok". To reconcile what my last job was and to try and move on pretending it is all ok. In reality, it is not. There are hurts that I have taken from it that have turned to bitterness. Upon reflection of where my heart is, there is some unforgiveness that I have not allowed God to heal. Part of me wants justice and part of me wants reconciliation. All of this is killing me though. 

There is no "quick fix" (although I would LOVE to have a quick fix) and unfortunately the wounds from the past have caused some worms to destroy my own heart and even worse, my walk with the Lord. I have decided to take one step at a time...my first step is reading the One Year Bible. Baby steps...15 min a day and I am hoping to clear those worms out. 

As for my terrarium, I am going to have to clean it out and start all over. But even that will breathe some fresh life.

Security in the Lord

I definitely needed this when I woke up this morning. I have been wrestling lately and this was a good reminder. It is so true..."In tough times, He is our only security." I have to constantly remind myself that He is the only one I can count on. Usually, everything in me wants to count on people around me, but usually in times of trouble and wrestling, I need to remember to run to the Lord first and depend on Him. 

In the past month, I have had some major highs and major lows. All of which have been when I am not depending on the Lord like I should and when I let the lies of the enemy get to me. Last night was yet another battle. I realized a few things last night that I know I need to change: 

1. Dwelling on the negative: Lately, I have embraced negative thoughts...I didn't see it coming, yet now I see that it has been detrimental to me. I need to start remembering the positive in life. I need to list out the positives in every day and each moment. 

2.  Not bringing everything to the Lord in prayer: I have been trying to bring the good and the bad to the Lord, but life has been flying by and I have not made the time to do that. That is my fault. I would be in a much better position if I did. So, I need to make time daily to spend with the Lord...even if it is the middle of the night when I wake up. 

I have learned a lot in the past month. Maybe God is moving me on from where I am at. To me, that is scary, but I have to remember that He is my security. One day, I will look back on this and see what He was doing, but in the meantime, I need to trust in Him...and know His will is best! 

Are you leaning on the Lord in the midst of your trials or troubled times?  

Restlessness

I just came back from a retreat and I so badly wanted the "refreshing" feeling I have had in the past. For some reason it was not there when I returned. Instead, I returned anxiety-driven which is very much unlike me. I didn't have a peace at all. 

Tonight, I sat before the Lord without an agenda. I knew I needed to work on my "homework" for a group I have tomorrow night, but I had no idea what God was going to do with it. Boy did he meet me where I was at. He showed me some things that I needed to see and things that I need Him to reveal to me so I could work through them. 

One of those things is my belief that I have to be perfect. I know that God wants us to strive to be perfect, but I put this expectation on myself that I cannot be. I got to a  point tonight where I just felt like "What is the use? There is no way I can ever be perfect. I want to try, but I can't make sense of wanting to strive to be perfect and not feel like I have to be perfect to achieve God's love." This is a HUGE lie that the enemy ingrained to me at a young age...a very young age. Unfortunately, the lie has been cemented more and more over the years and I have realized that even just recently, there are situations I am in that are not healthy. That are allowing that lie to continue. 

I don't have it figured out how to combat the lie. I know the Christian answer "just give it to God and He will take it away", but it is not as easy as that. Sure, God could take it away in an instant, but the likelihood of that is slim. I am pretty sure that He wants me to unwind all that has been webbed together to create an ugly knot. 

Tonight I felt much more at peace knowing what I had to deal with. I trust God will work it out and it relieved some of my anxiety....BUT I had to go and bring it back on myself. I had to go investigate one of the situations that has caused me the most grief lately...and it only left me more anxious and unsettled. I immediately figured out what was going on and confessed to the Lord that I was wrong in going about bringing anxiety on myself, but I am still feeling a little unsettled tonight. 

I turned on my music and God had these beautiful songs for me. Songs that spoke to my heart and reminded me of who He is and that He is working..and that He loves and cares for me. 

Are there any anxieties you need to trust Him with today?

Fear #2

 Fear

In the past few days, God has made it clear that I really struggle with fear. I am about to go on a vacation for almost 2 weeks and I have a feeling that God is going to help me confront my fears (if I let Him). Tonight, I was processing some really hard realities and this song came on the station I was listening to...it spoke to me in an amazing way! (I have listed the lyrics below the song.)

Your Love
By: Shane and Shane

I'm overcoming fear
With Your perfect love, Your perfect love
You're opening my ears to hear
The sound of a lover's voice
You're calling out, You're calling out
Let me see Your face, Your loving face

Your love tears me up
And when its done
Puts me together
Oooo

I'm overcoming fear
With Your perfect love, Your perfect love
You're opening my ears to hear
The sound of a lover's voice
You're calling out, You're calling out
Let me see Your face, Your loving face

Your love tears me up
And when its done
Puts me together
Your love calls me out
Of my death and my failure
Love, Your love

Your love tears me up
And when its done
Puts me together
Your love calls me out
Of my death and my failure

Your love tears me up
And when its done
Puts me together
Your love calls me out
Of my death and my failure
Love, Your love, Your love

What fears do you need to give to the Lord? 

Fear #1

Fear

 

Earlier today I had a lot of fear. Fear about getting into a relationship and having the dreaded fight...or even worse, the dreaded talk about breaking up or that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. To be quite honest, I hate being alone and single, but it scares me even more to think about being rejected. 

Why is this so hard? Unfortunately, if I really laid out my life and my fears, I have a lot of them. And the more vulnerable I get, the more fears I tend to have.

Today I read a blog of a woman I know. I am amazed at her strength and courage, but mostly her dedication to the Lord. Her blog is here.

I was convicted. My fears are not even legit fears. This gal has a lot on her plate AND she is serving the Lord. Yes, she is honest, but it is beautiful. I love how she pressed into what her fears would be and didn't let it stop her from living life. I need to learn to live more like Christina. 

What fears do you need to push through in order to live life?