December 26. 2011
I have to admit that I have kind of been an "Eeyore" on the inside during this Christmas season. There have been several factors that have played a part, but I just flat out wasn't "into" Christmas this year. I LOVED wrapping presents and getting them ready, but I dreaded the thought of another "get together" with my family. Not because I don't love spending time with them, but because I have just been really overwhelmed and in kind of a dark place lately.
On Christmas Eve, I had a really heavy and overwhelmed heart. I couldn't shake it. I prayed and asked God to help me "shake" the heavy feeling, but alas, it didn't go away. On Christmas day, I was still just as overwhelmed and really struggling to surrender it to God. In fact, it wasn't until tonight, that I got the time to do that. I knew deep down, that most of my problem was my lack of time with God lately. I needed some good quality time with Him and thankfully I got that tonight.
As I was spending time with God tonight, He worked a miracle in my heart and I got to experience JOY. It is not that I haven't experienced JOY before, but today, it was almost instantly that it happened.
To begin, I knew that I needed to talk to God about my heart and how I am still having a hard time letting love in (that will come in another post). I was given an amazing gift this week of time off by my brother and sister-in-law and an amazing boss who wanted me to have the time off. That alone still baffles me and the phrase that keeps coming through my head is "Why do I deserve that? Maybe it is a mistake or it will be a mistake after it happens." This is a problem I have....truly accepting things that people do for me and allowing people to love me WITHOUT expecting anything in return.
After sharing my heart with the Lord, I read the devotional for the day. It was so good I have to type it out. It is out of "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.
"I am the gift that continuously gives- bounteously with no strings attached. Unconditional Love is such a radical concept that even My most devoted followers fail to grasp it fully. Absolutely nothing in heaven or on earth can cause me to stop loving you. You may feel more loved when you are performing according to your expectations. But My Love for you is perfect; therefore it is not subject to variation. What does vary is your awareness of My loving Presence."
"When you are dissatisfied with your behavior, you tend to feel unworthy of My Love. You may unconsciously punish yourself by withdrawing from Me and attributing the distance between us to My displeasure. Instead of returning to Me and receiving My Love, you attempt to earn my approval by trying harder. All the while, I am aching to hold you in My everlasting arms, to enfold you in My Love. When you are feeling unworthy or unloved, come t Me. Then ask for receptivity to my unfailing love."
1 John 4:15-18
15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
Deuteronomy 33:27
27 "The eternal God is your dwelling place,[a] and underneath are the everlasting arms.[b] And he thrust out the enemy before you and said, ‘Destroy.’"
As I read this verse, there were a couple of footnotes that I decided to look into more. The first was place which said "a dwelling place". The second was everlasting arms which said "He subdues the ancient gods and shatters the forces of old." This got me thinking...I have desperately been needing that "place". The security and safety of the Lord and foolishly I have not been going there. So, that is confession #1. As I thought more about "everlasting arms" I was convicted because there are still some "forces of old" that are getting in the way of my life. The biggest is the wall that I put up to not let love in. I am afraid of being vulnerable and accepting that I am worth being loved. I know there is much more to this than just stating it, but this is the start of something big God wants to DESTROY. Speaking of "destroy", I looked up the word that is also in this verse and discovered that most of the time it was used in the Old Testament, it was talking about destroying idols or other gods. Talk about convicting. I believe that my wall of protection has in fact become an idol in a twisted way. The word destroy means "to exterminate, be destroyed". I was thinking about the times that God destroyed a whole group of people or He asked the Israelites to get rid of their idols..not just one or part of one, but ALL. That is what I am needing to do...DESTROY this idol/god that has taken a spot in my life.
Psalm 13:5
5 "But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation."
As I was talking to God and surrendering this idol, it was almost immediately that God shared something with me that still has me in awe and amazement. For a long time, God has put my family on my heart. I believe simply asking me to just live my life and be a witness. At times it has been really hard and discouraging, but God has slowly shown me fruit from that. I NEVER envisioned what happened tonight to happen...NEVER.
Before I share, there is a little back story: My stepbrother, Carson, and I don't really have a relationship. He is a jokester...never serious and I am quite opposite...always serious. We just don't have a lot in common and since he was off to college when our parents married, we never really had the chance to form a relationship. Now he is married and has a beautiful little girl. While that has helped, it still has been very much acquaintance. I usually post a verse every day on Facebook and sometimes he will make random comments (half the time I think they are just sarcastic comments). I just laugh and think "Oh Carson". Still, we have never really had any serious conversations.
So, tonight, I received a text from him asking for my email address. No big deal...he never texts me, but I figured it was just to send me information about a trip they are taking since I will be watching their daughter at that time. Then I received another text...this one bringing me to tears because God gave me a gift of seeing that He was working. The text read:
"I hope that you know that you're one of my favorite peeps. Growing up my whole life in the 'Christian bubble' some people talk the talk and some people walk the walk. You do both and I sincerely respect that about you."
And if that was not enough, I got another one:
"I am very proud of you. Devoting your life to Him is obviously easier said than done. Have a much deserved week off...you don't take off enough time."
This was not of MY own doing, but God's. There is NO WAY I could have orchestrated what has happened in my family and ALL of the credit goes to God. I am praising God right now because He has given me an amazing JOY. Joy that is not from presents (although that is nice) or from material things, BUT from the fruit of doing what God has asked me to do. He is right...it isn't always easy and little does he know that I have really been struggling lately. I am so thankful that God has used me even in my weakest times to reflect Him.
What an AMAZING God we serve!
