Still learning

 Family

February 28.2012

18 years ago today, my dad made a decision that changed my life forever. He ended his. There is a long back story to how that happened and situations that played into his reasoning, but ultimately, he chose to end his life. In that moment, the family that I knew was shattered and the dad I knew was gone. 

You would think that after 18 years, I would know how to deal with this day as it came. That I would have it "figured out", but that is far from the truth. Unfortunately, I am realizing that this is one of the biggest things I still need to deal with. I am ALWAYS aware of the date and the meaning. Every moment of the day is usually clouded by thinking about what this "day" means. But, as in several years in the past, I decide to stuff it down because after all, I should be able to deal with it head on. 

My roommate and my brother both asked me about it today and everything in me tried to avoid it as much as I could even though I knew that I could be honest with them. I think part of a realization I have come to is that I am far from being done working through it. Instead, this week I realized that I am more upset about not having a dad in my life than I am about not having a husband. I know this sounds crazy, but I can change the husband situation. I can never change the dad situation. 

As I was contemplating this new revelation, I reflected on how God is supposed to be our Father, our "daddy". Honestly, I can't even say the word "daddy" without cringing. When I am honest with myself, I realize I don't know what a real dad looks like. I was lucky enough to have my dad in my life for 11 years, but for whatever reason, I can't remember what it was like to have a "dad" or what he was like as a "dad". I get jealous seeing dads with their daughters or hearing girls/women talk about their dads. I never really got that in my life. My dad was never my "safe" place. This is not to sound negative, just my honest thoughts. 

So, instead of reflecting on not having a dad and my hurt and frustrations about not getting that (which God and I will talk about at a later date), today I am going to list the things I remember about my dad that were good. (Especially since today reminds me of all the negative things about him.)

1. He was generous (he always LOVED helping and doing things for others)

2. He provided for my family 

3. He took us on trips

4. He made my mom get a babysitter so that she could have time by herself (he cared for her)

5. He comforted me when I was scared after he had flipped his car

6. He LOVED to dance in the car. Often times he would turn the music up loud, drum on the steering wheel and a few times drive with his feet. 

7. He was a good businessman. 

8. He loved music. Here are a few songs he liked (or that I remember he liked).

    -Kenny Loggins (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bchtW4t_5rI) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17V_NPWPPYI) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CdGl9DoXvs)

    - Most of the popular songs of the late 80s

9. He took me on a trips for my 5th and 10th birthday. Both were just dad and daughter.

10. He came to get me when I got a goose egg in 1st or 2nd grade and took me to the doctor. 

 

Sometimes it is a stretch to figure out what I really do remember about him. One thing I know was that no matter how much he struggled in life, he loved his family. He was not perfect like anyone, but I know he tried. I do miss him. I wish he was here today, but I also know that I might not be following the Lord like I am today if he was here. I am thankful that, although I don't fully grasp it, God is my Heavenly Father and He will never leave me. In fact, He desires to show me what a true Father is. I may not ever "fully" grasp this, but I know that this is a going to be a lifelong lesson.

The God who sees me...

 

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February 26.2012

God is so good. 

I decided not to go to the Night in Prayer this year because I really felt like I shouldn't go. I know it sounds bad that I didn't want to go pray, but for me, if I went, I would have only been going out of obligation and honestly not the right heart. It would have been a lot easier for me to go, lead a group and just be there, but for me, the hardest part was not being there. I wanted to "know" what was going on, to be a part of it (kind of like the cool crowd in high school), but God called me back. I would love to say that something amazing happened (God spoke to me in the middle of the night, my niece was born, etc..), but nope, just sleep happened. 

The next day, I was consumed by the desire to still get a name of God card. I knew that since I work at the church, I could "randomly" pick a card for myself for this year. I kept hearing this voice saying, "No. Don't manipulate the situation. Couldn't I give you a "name" or a word for this year?" So, alas I submitted to the Lord and just trusted that He was bigger and IF He wanted me to have a word for the year, He would give it to me in His time. 

When I got home, I saw a card, beautiful package that contained earrings and a card specifically pulled for me by my roommate. I honestly laughed out loud at God. God gave me something I didn't expect and that I had left at His feet a few hours before. The even better part was what the card was: "THE GOD WHO SEES ME". Exactly what I needed for this season in my life. Here is what was on the card: 

THE GOD WHO SEES ME

Verse: "You are a God who sees me." (Genesis 16:13)

Verse on back: "...every moment You know where I am." (Psalm 139:3)

I am simply blown away at the beauty of God. Not only for "surprising" me with a card, but how hand-picked that card was for me. He knew what I needed to hear...even down to the verses that were on the card. 

It was absolutely perfect. God does see ME. He knows my needs and provides. I am in awe of the one who loves me more than anyone else can!