February 18.2012
I have been battling with my health still. To some, it may not seem like a big deal, but to be honest, I have been living in what feels like "hell on earth". I know this sounds horrible and I don't really mean it, but sometimes I wish that I had a more recognized "illness". I am sure if I were on the other side, I would say differently, but to every person that knows me, it seems like everything is ok. Even when I say I feel horrible, no one can see anything wrong, so it seems like I am ok and just crying wolf.
I am a very strong-willed, independent person and that has really helped me in some cases, but in this case, it has hurt me tremendously. Some days I am so tired and exhausted that I can barely get out of bed. Once I do, I put a smile on and a "pretend like everything is great" face and head to work, church, etc. Sometimes I question myself...am I crazy? Is this just all my imagination?
I hit a low point a few weeks ago when I felt completely hopeless. My closest friends didn't seem to care, older, wiser people didn't seem to care and to be honest, I had a moment where I doubted that God cared. I have cried out to Him every day for the last 3 1/2 years yet it seems like nothing has changed. I felt completely alone with no one to turn to and the one person I could turn to, I doubted that He even care. Which is when I discovered that in this particular area of my life, I still lack trust with God. Brokenhearted and weary, I confessed that to God and just somehow let the burden of my body go for a moment. I would not be honest to say that I didn't pick it back up again, but I think this is one of the biggest burdens I carry. I wish I could relay my heart to my friends and they would understand, but that is not the case. I wish I could tell everyone I come in contact with that I really am trying to lose weight, but nothing is working, but that is not reasonable either. Instead, I quietly keep fighting to find an answer about what is wrong.
That is when there was a Groupon for a clinic. I figured I would buy it because it was only $39 for allergy testing. I figured it couldn't hurt. After reading the story of the doctor, I decided it would be worth it. This week, was my appointment. I am always hesitant going in because I am never sure if I am going to hear the same answers and be in the same place. BUT, I got some answers. I found out that food I have been eating all along I am actually allergic to. And it is healthy food. The doctor explained things that were going on and said to me "In your case, the things you were eating to lose weight were actually making you pack on the pounds." Talk about relief. I don't even care that I am allergic to those things because I finally have some answers as to what is going on.
I have no idea what is going to come of this and if I am going to start losing weight because of this, but it is one step at a time. I often wonder what God is doing because there is something deep down inside me that believes this is part of a bigger picture. I am not sure what, but I know that He continues to lead me down different paths to learn different things. In this moment, I am relieved that someone actually validated what was going on and it made sense...and I feel a tiny bit better. That is a HUGE step considering I have been going downhill for the past several years. This one tiny step uphill is a huge victory in my book.
So, no matter how hard things may be and how many times I try and take back a burden, in this case, persistence paid off.
