Heart pain

 Heart Pain

Pain.

Such a small word with so much meaning behind it. What is the first thing you think of when you think pain? For me, it is deep, emotional pain. I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever been in as much pain as I am right now. I am dependent on God every moment of every day as I am not sure what to do. 

I was listening to a new country singer (think Justin Bieber, but country). He has a song called "Wanted" that I have been listening to over and over because it describes where I am at. In the midst of this trial, I just want to be wanted. I am not "feeling" wanted right now so it is making me feel very alone. It is not necessarily true, but in those moments of "defeat" I find that I feel lonely. So much of me wants to just break down and cry...to push myself through this awful pain and hope that it goes away, but then there is another side of me that can't. As I have listened to the song, God keeps reminding me that I am wanted by Him.

Since I liked that song so much, I decided to make a station on Pandora of his songs. The first song that came up was a song called "Cry With You". Although it is a secular song, I listened and could picture the Lord saying the words to me. He called me out and comforted me all at the same time. I wish I could say that I am going to bed lighter tonight and with a little less pain, but that is not the case. What I do know is that He will be here to cry with me. He sees my pain and as a parents hates seeing their child in pain, I know the Lord sees my pain and wants to comfort me. The question is, "Will I let Him?"

"Cry With You"

By: Hunter Hayes

When you try not to look at me
Scared that I'll see you hurting
You're not hiding anything, no
And frankly it's got me worried
Nobody knows you better than I do
I keep my promises, I'm fighting for you


You're not alone
I'll listen till your tears give out
You're safe and sound, I swear that I won't let you down
What's hurting you I, I feel it too
I mean it when I say
When you cry, I cry with you, with you


I'm not going any place
I just hate to see you like this
No, I can't make it go away
Oh, but keeping it inside won't fix it
I can't give you every answer that you need
But I wanna hear everything you wanna tell me


You're not alone
I'll listen till your tears give out
You're safe and sound, I swear that I won't let you down
What's hurting you I, I feel it too
I mean it when I say
When you cry, I cry with you, oh
Yeah, I cry with you


You need love tough enough to count on
So here I am


You're not alone
I'll listen till your tears give out
You're safe and sound, I swear that I won't let you down
What's hurting you I, I feel it too
I mean it when I say
When you cry, I cry
I mean it when I say
When you cry, I cry with you, oh
You're not alone, oh no, baby 

Tonight I am thankful that God gave this boy the talent to sing, the songwriters the talent to write down these lyrics as they are and that God reminded me that He is here to cry with me. 

When you are in pain, do you allow the Lord to "cry with you"? 

The Power of Words

Words

The old phrase "Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt me" is not anywhere near true. Words hurt more than anything else. Words have the power to encourage us and to hurt us to the depth of our souls. Words wound.

I have been reflecting on this as I have been needing to work through a hurt I have...a hurt that was with words. It has hurt me more than anything or anyone ever has. The analogy God gave me about the situation I am dealing with was that it is like I was shot in the back by someone that I trusted and was vulnerable with. But the bullet is the kind that when you try and get it out, it actually causes more damage and tears more.

Right now I have been trying to get the bullet out on my own, but I am causing more damage than good. I need medical intervention. I need help.  I would imagine that someone who has been shot with this type of bullet has to have help in removing it. At the least numbing the skin and carefully removing the bullet. Worst case scenario, they are put under and it is surgically removed. Either way, they have help...serious medical intervention by someone who knows what they are doing. After it is removed, there are stitches that are sewn, antibiotics given and rest is required for healing. Even after the surgery, there is still some pain, but over time, the pain lessens.

In this same way, the wound I have incurred needs this type of medical intervention. I need to let the "surgeon" get the bullet out, sew the stitches, give me medicine and allow my body to rest. Easier said than done, but I know it needs to happen. It can't be ignored. I am not sure what the "help" looks like to get through this time, but one thing I know for sure is that God will be here for me no matter what.

I have had a lot of time to reflect on how much words can hurt and in God's goodness, a house church leader just went over the power of the tongue the other day. He went over James 3:1-18. 

Taming the Tongue

3 Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. ² We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

³ When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴ Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵ Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶ The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

⁷ All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, ⁸ but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

⁹ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. ¹¹ Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? ¹² My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

¹³ Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴ But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. ¹⁵ Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. ¹⁶ For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

¹⁷ But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. ¹⁸ Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. 

As I have been thinking about how hurt I am by the wounds of a friend, it has caused me to ask the Lord to show me how to tame my tongue. I would never want to incur this kind of pain on anyone else. Things I might not have given a second chance to in the past, God has shown me may not be fruitful. They might not speak life into others' lives. I am so thankful that God is teaching me in the midst of my hurt, how to correct something I never knew was really a problem. 

In His true faithfulness, He showed me an example of how He used His words through me to bless someone else...to bring fruit and encouragement into their life. THAT is what I want. I want people to leave a conversation with me knowing how much they are loved and to be encouraged.  

 In what ways do you need to change so that your speech brings encouragement into others' lives? 

Which words are you going to choose today? 

**For more reference, here is a blog that our pastor's wife wrote to her son about words: 

http://www.hespeaksinthesilence.com/2012/05/letters-to-my-son-words-part-two/ 

Father

This Father's Day was unique for me. God is changing my heart and opening it little by little to embrace things I have not embraced for a really long time. Today it was my dad..and the dads in my life.

I have had many "fathers" in my life. Not as many as some, but more than a type-A personality would want. I read blogs today about dads and in one it was mentioned that her dad was her "hero". I got to reflecting on that statement and realized that if I am honest, my dad wasn't my hero. Instead, he was just a part of a season of my life. He was one chapter in a book. He was a great man, but so much of me doesn't remember him at all other than the pictures I have.

My dad, Bill Kirkpatrick.

As I reflected on the term "hero" in regards to a father, I thought about my stepdad. He is an amazing man and has been a huge blessing to our family. I know he loves me, but it just isn't the same. Since I was 15 when they got married, we don't have a close bond. Instead, it is more surface and my mom fills in all the details for him. He has been so patient and kind with us, embracing us as his own children, but it is still different.

My stepdad, Kim Kutsch.

Some days I long for the "hero" dad. The dad that I know I could go to no matter what. A day like today where I was going home heavy hearted and facing something I desperately didn't want to face. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, all the while screaming "this isn't fair". I wanted someone to take care of the "big bad wolves".

Instead, I went alone. 

As I sat on my bed with tears streaming down my face, I cried out to my heavenly Father. The one I knew I could count on in the midst of pain. HE is my hero. He ever so gently and lovingly reminded me of His word and how much HE cares about me...loves me and truly desires relationship with me. I needed encouragement and He brought it in His word.

 Psalm 61:1-3

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you. When my heart is faint lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy."

I never have to be alone and with out a "hero" or "father". I have one that truly loves me and cares for me above anyone else. I am so thankful for the fathers that He has put in my life, but tonight, I am comforted by my true Father. In a twisted way, I am glad that God reminded me that ultimately He is my Father. It puts a good perspective on this day! 

In what ways is your earthly father similar to the Heavenly Father?

Matthew 1-6:18

There is always so much to read and to learn from the Word, but today God spoke some very specific things to me:

Matthew 1-6:18
3:8 "Bear fruit in keeping with repentance."
- This was a good reminder for me that when I repent, then I can bear fruit. I want to be a fruit bearer and I want repentance to come immediately. I have to admit that sometimes, when I have let something/someone else get in the way, repentance doesn't come immediately. We are heading into springtime now and it is such a good reminder of wanting to be that fruit...the flower in the rain. There is a song by Jaci Valasquez called "Flower in the Rain" that comes to mind as I think about bearing fruit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EA69xAUrNTA

3:9 "God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham."
- What do I believe that God is able to do in my life? Heal my body? Help me lose weight? Allow me to get married and have kids? Nothing is too big for God. Today, I read a blog by a very Godly woman about healing. It was such a great reminder that He is the physician.

http://www.hespeaksinthesilence.com/2011/03/iatros-physician/

4:4 "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God."
- This is a good reminder that I need to remember my really sustenance comes from God first. Yes, He provides food, but I need to adopt the mentality that I need to live by Him first. When my mind is "God-focused", I can truly live.

4:19-20 "And he said to them, 'Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.' Immediately they left their nets and followed him."
- This story yet amazes me again. The followed Jesus simply by one sentence. How many times do I want more from Him? How many times do I want Him to give me every explanation and angle for why He wants me to do something instead of following the examples of the disciples and simply following? What is God asking me to do right now? What is He asking me to do that I am requiring an explanation instead of just following Him?

5:1 "Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain and when he sat down, his disciples came to him."
- I have a note from a previous time I read this verse and it continues to be a good reminder for me. I tend to be the kind of person that wants to go to people. That wants to draw things out of people because I am a "fixer". Sometimes, that goes too far. In fact, this weekend, I was stressed out because I have been trying really hard to figure out how to have something in common with my sister-in-law and it is not working. It makes me sad. I don't understand why everyone else seems to have something in common with her but me. Then, this morning when I was journaling, I felt the Lord just asking me to let it go. This is not easy for sure because I really want to figure it out...I don't want to let it go because there is this little part of me that thinks if I keep trying, it might work. Then, I read this verse. Granted, it is in a different context, but the note I had written next to it made me think. It said

"Jesus wanted to get away. The disciples came to Him. Sometimes we need to wait for people to come to us."

I do not tend to wait well. I wish I could say that I did, but I don't. This is where my faith is tested and I don't tend to embrace it very well. As I have been writing this, God has reminded me of how faithful He has been when I have waited. He has reminded me of two of my sister-in-laws that this has been the case with and now we are closer and I actually enjoy spending time with them. God has given me something in common with both of them. How could I not believe that He will do the same with this woman? It will just be a matter of time. So, now I wait...and give my sister-in-law to Him. Entrust her into His care and trust that if His will is that we become close, He will work it out. Now I need to stop pushing and just wait.

Arms of Love

This morning I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was take a nap before I had to go to work. Ever since I got back from the beach a few days ago, I have felt "off" and all I have wanted to do was go back to the beach...the place where I felt at complete peace and the troubles of life were far away. I was desperate to get back to that place, but alas, real life has to be lived on. 

So, as I sat down for my quiet time this morning, I was blessed by the unusual amount of time I had to spend and the devotion I read. This was so good for me. Time with God is THE most important thing in my life. I can't cut it too short and I can tell a HUGE difference when I do. Even yesterday, I was so rushed in the morning that I only was able to quickly read my devotional for the morning at that was it. How quickly I slipped back into the "to dos" of life and let my time with God slip. 

No wonder I didn't have peace yesterday and I felt "off". 

I am so thankful that God quickly drew me back into His presence. It felt like a HUGE hug from God. The safest place there is for me is in His arms. Now, I pray that I continue to be purposeful in spending time with Him so I continue in His peace. 

2 Thessalonians 3:16 

"Now may the Lord of Peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you."  

On top of God completely blowing me away and meeting me in my quiet time, He also reminded me of how I am wrapped in His arms of love through this song. 

Do you get caught up in the "to dos" of the day that you sacrifice your time with God? 

What are some practical ways you can change that?

Glory

Glory

I started my quiet time with a heavy heart. Filled with worry, anxiety and cares that I had no idea I was trying so hard to hold on to. Striving. I have been trying so hard in my flesh to hold on to a few things that I honestly have no control over. It is amazing how quickly we can start to want to hold on to things when we know we shouldn't. It just seems to sneak right in. 

In my devotional, God reminded me of this verse: 

Psalm 46:10

"Be still and know that I am God." 

So simple yet I don't seem to get it sometimes. I am not being still. Instead, I am trying to move and trying so hard to do something that is going to get me nowhere. I need to remember that sometimes it is best just to "be still". God WILL work it all out. When I try in my flesh to do something, I am not being fully dependent on Him which leaves me feeling distant from Him and without peace.

No wonder I had a heavy heart this morning. 

As I was journaling and reflecting on this thought this morning, the song below came on. It was as if God wanted to remind me of something He put on my heart a few weeks ago regarding this same trial: He gets the glory. He keeps reminding me that Jesus had to go through some tough stuff, some shame, feeling like people didn't like him or turned their backs on him, so I need to just be confident that I am doing what God has asked and let Him do the rest. 

So, here is to giving Him praise this morning!

Filled With Your Glory- Michael Gungor

What are YOU trying to control that you need to give to God and in turn "Be still"?

Happy Birthday Mom!

A few days ago,  we had the privilege of celebrating my wonderful mother. The picture above is her and my step dad with all of their grandchildren. It was amazing to be able to celebrate my mom. She is an amazing mom and she is always caring about how others are doing and what they need. I am truly blessed to have her as an example of a mom! 

 Here are just a few things that make her amazing: 
- She is always wanting to help others
- She absolutely loves and cares about her family and would do anything for them
- She always wants people to be happy
- She is a great encourager
- She is really talented (REALLY talented...almost any task/project you ask her to do, she does or figures out how to do)
- She is a go-getter
- She is a hard worker


I am thankful that God has given me a mom like her and she is such a great example. She has had trials come in her life, but she has risen above them and pushed through things that would knock some people completely down. She truly is an amazing example of a mom!

What things do you appreciate about your mom? 

How can you show her that you love her this week?