Restlessness

I just came back from a retreat and I so badly wanted the "refreshing" feeling I have had in the past. For some reason it was not there when I returned. Instead, I returned anxiety-driven which is very much unlike me. I didn't have a peace at all. 

Tonight, I sat before the Lord without an agenda. I knew I needed to work on my "homework" for a group I have tomorrow night, but I had no idea what God was going to do with it. Boy did he meet me where I was at. He showed me some things that I needed to see and things that I need Him to reveal to me so I could work through them. 

One of those things is my belief that I have to be perfect. I know that God wants us to strive to be perfect, but I put this expectation on myself that I cannot be. I got to a  point tonight where I just felt like "What is the use? There is no way I can ever be perfect. I want to try, but I can't make sense of wanting to strive to be perfect and not feel like I have to be perfect to achieve God's love." This is a HUGE lie that the enemy ingrained to me at a young age...a very young age. Unfortunately, the lie has been cemented more and more over the years and I have realized that even just recently, there are situations I am in that are not healthy. That are allowing that lie to continue. 

I don't have it figured out how to combat the lie. I know the Christian answer "just give it to God and He will take it away", but it is not as easy as that. Sure, God could take it away in an instant, but the likelihood of that is slim. I am pretty sure that He wants me to unwind all that has been webbed together to create an ugly knot. 

Tonight I felt much more at peace knowing what I had to deal with. I trust God will work it out and it relieved some of my anxiety....BUT I had to go and bring it back on myself. I had to go investigate one of the situations that has caused me the most grief lately...and it only left me more anxious and unsettled. I immediately figured out what was going on and confessed to the Lord that I was wrong in going about bringing anxiety on myself, but I am still feeling a little unsettled tonight. 

I turned on my music and God had these beautiful songs for me. Songs that spoke to my heart and reminded me of who He is and that He is working..and that He loves and cares for me. 

Are there any anxieties you need to trust Him with today?

Fear #2

 Fear

In the past few days, God has made it clear that I really struggle with fear. I am about to go on a vacation for almost 2 weeks and I have a feeling that God is going to help me confront my fears (if I let Him). Tonight, I was processing some really hard realities and this song came on the station I was listening to...it spoke to me in an amazing way! (I have listed the lyrics below the song.)

Your Love
By: Shane and Shane

I'm overcoming fear
With Your perfect love, Your perfect love
You're opening my ears to hear
The sound of a lover's voice
You're calling out, You're calling out
Let me see Your face, Your loving face

Your love tears me up
And when its done
Puts me together
Oooo

I'm overcoming fear
With Your perfect love, Your perfect love
You're opening my ears to hear
The sound of a lover's voice
You're calling out, You're calling out
Let me see Your face, Your loving face

Your love tears me up
And when its done
Puts me together
Your love calls me out
Of my death and my failure
Love, Your love

Your love tears me up
And when its done
Puts me together
Your love calls me out
Of my death and my failure

Your love tears me up
And when its done
Puts me together
Your love calls me out
Of my death and my failure
Love, Your love, Your love

What fears do you need to give to the Lord? 

Fear #1

Fear

 

Earlier today I had a lot of fear. Fear about getting into a relationship and having the dreaded fight...or even worse, the dreaded talk about breaking up or that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. To be quite honest, I hate being alone and single, but it scares me even more to think about being rejected. 

Why is this so hard? Unfortunately, if I really laid out my life and my fears, I have a lot of them. And the more vulnerable I get, the more fears I tend to have.

Today I read a blog of a woman I know. I am amazed at her strength and courage, but mostly her dedication to the Lord. Her blog is here.

I was convicted. My fears are not even legit fears. This gal has a lot on her plate AND she is serving the Lord. Yes, she is honest, but it is beautiful. I love how she pressed into what her fears would be and didn't let it stop her from living life. I need to learn to live more like Christina. 

What fears do you need to push through in order to live life?

God is stirring

Ezra 1:5 "Then rose up the heads of the fathers' houses of Judah and Benjamin, and the priests and the Levites, everyone whose spirit God had stirred to go up to rebuild the house of the Lord that is in Jerusalem.

God is speaking again. He is speaking in regards to the vision He put on my heart a few years back. It has been a while since He pressed upon my heart anything having to do with the vision He gave me (see here). But yesterday was different. He spoke something very simple to me, yet very profound: 

God stirred in the hearts of those He wanted to help rebuild the house of the Lord. 

So often, I struggle because I don't have someone to share the load of the vision with. That is so selfish and ungrateful. When God gave me the vision, He didn't say that He was going to bring me a team to share the load with. It was something special between the two of us. In my fleshly nature, I think "how am I ever going to pursue this vision if I have to do it myself?" 

But I don't. This verse reminded me that when the time is right, He will raise up the right people. That takes time. And the truth of the matter is....He has risen up a few people that are part of it and have been invited into the vision. So I don't have anything to stress or worry about...God has it all under control and WHEN the time is right, He will raise them up. I just have to wait. 

Is there something you want to control, but God is telling you to wait until the right time?

Forgiveness...yet again

Surprise, surprise! God is speaking to me about forgiveness again. How quickly it sneaks up on me. If I can be honest, there are some people that it is just so hard to forgive. I can forgive them for a little while or I can forgive a certain something they have done. It seems that just when I feel good and able to love the person, that the enemy just digs at my heart again and then all of the sudden I find myself growing bitter. It is so unbelievably ugly. Deep in my heart I want to forgive them, but I am having such a hard time...especially because this person doesn't seem to care at all about the hurt they incurred. 

Every time I hear these songs, they speak to me. They remind me of the hurt I am going through and that yes, it is hard, but the words are so convicting. "Help me now to do the impossible" "Well maybe there's something I missed, But how could they treat me like this? It's wearing out my heart, The way they disregard".  It has become a prayer...I really want to forgive them regardless, so I am aiming for that.

"Forgiveness"

Matthew West

It’s the hardest thing to give away

And the last thing on your mind today

It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel

When the pain they caused is just too real

It takes everything you have just to say the word…

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride

It moves away the mad inside

It’s always anger’s own worst enemy

Even when the jury and the judge

Say you gotta right to hold a grudge

It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable

Show me how to reach the unreachable

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away

It can even set a prisoner free

There is no end to what it’s power can do

So, let it go and be amazed

By what you see through eyes of grace

The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable

Show me how to reach the unreachable

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free

So show me how to see what Your mercy sees

Help me now to give what You gave to me

Forgiveness, Forgiveness 

"Losing"

Tenth Avenue North

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong?

Well maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love. This is hate.
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times

Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
But I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tenth_avenue_north/feels_like_ive_been_losin.html ]
This is love. This is hate.
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father, won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin' (oh no)

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up, but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and them it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Mercy and Your Grace, Father, send Your angels down (singin')

Oh, Father, won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doing (oh, no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father won't you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

And, of course, I am NOT anywhere near perfect. I know I need forgiving too. I don't know who I have offended that I need forgiveness from. I was reading this morning in Psalm 17 and the first few verses hit me like a bunch of bricks. I am such a sinner and I am so thankful for the forgiveness the Father gives me when I mess up...when I fail and fall.

Psalm 17:1-4

1 Hear a just cause, O LORD; attend to my cry! Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit! 2 From your presence let my vindication come! Let your eyes behold the right! 3 You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night, you have tested me, and you will find nothing; I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress. 4 With regard to the works of man, by the word of your lips I have avoided the ways of the violent.

So, today I am trying to forgive. I am purposing in my heart forgiveness. I know I am not perfect, but I know that God will also give me the strength to forgive as He forgives me. 

Is there something you need to purpose in your heart today to do? 

Is there someone that you don't think deserves your forgiveness, but you need to forgive them anyway?

The one you need

I have been slacking on writing on the blog for a while. There are several reasons (which I will write about at a much later time), but what I can say is that God is doing a major work in my heart and in my life. It is good, yet painful, BUT there is so much victory in it. 

I heard this song about a month and a half ago when a gal I know ended up going to a rehab program. She is a beautiful gal and my heart broke for her being in the place she was at. 

Yet, God was faithful. Faithful to bring her to a place where she desperately needed rest and needed to "restart" her life in a way. Sometimes we just need to remember that "Jesus is the one we need." When life if tough, this is such a good reminder. 

I am not a crier, but I bawled when I saw this video. Maybe it was because I wish that I had a dad that actually cared as much as these lyrics say OR maybe it was the realization that God cares so much for me...and so much about me OR that my heart broke for the gal I know and her family.  Regardless, this song and video are very powerful (or at least they were to me).

Do you need to allow God to be "all you need" today?

Resting

It is pretty normal for God to remind me to rest. The other day was no exception. I love how God gives us subtle reminders that we need to take time to rest...and to give him our burdens, worries, stresses. He is so much bigger than we ever remember. 

Do you need to take time to rest today? 

What is one thing that you can give to God so that you can rest?

Pray for this family

I don't know what it is about this year, but I have been flooded with hearing about numerous child deaths. This is something I have a huge fear of...either when I watch a child or that it will someday happen to me. But I can't worry or fret about the future. I can only do what I am called to do in the present and that is to "not be anxious". 

A month or so ago (probably a little longer), yet another child I knew of (a 4 year old little girl )went to be with Jesus. There is no explaining why this happened and the parents, grandparents and close family and friends are grieved. Only God knows.  I never got to meet her, but everyone who has says she truly was an "angel".

A woman I know wrote a blog regarding the death of this little girl. I can't think of many words to express this tragedy, so her words will have to suffice. And she has done this beautifully! 

http://jodistilp.blogspot.com/2012/09/celebrating-vienne.html?spref=fb

Please join me in praying for the family still. They are going to need prayer for several months/years as they grieve the loss of this little girl.

 

Here are some specifics: 

-That God would give them peace that passes all understanding. 

- That God would bring a family/people into their lives that have been through something like this. 

- That God would heal their broken hearts.

Something special to me

Lately I have been on this journey of trying to figure out what my dad was like since I don't remember much of my childhood. I received a special gift tonight to begin the celebration of my 30th birthday. I am beyond blessed as I go into my 30th birthday.

God is doing something new in me. He is opening my eyes to the past...to the childhood I don't remember. I just sit here and smile as God is working. It is absolutely amazing!

Trust...continued

Funny thing...yesterday I was just sharing with someone about my fears about children dying in their sleep. Kind of morbid, yes, but a reality. Then, there is always worries that I have about family and the many relationships, however, God convicted my heart. It is not mine to carry...it is God's. Regardless of what happens with my family, future kids, etc...

Yet another lesson in TRUST. 

What family issues do you need to give to the Lord today?

Trust

I keep coming back to this "trust" thing. Today I was there again. I was in a hurry again and needed a few minutes of refreshment from my Savior. Why is it that lately I have only seemed to have a "few" minutes for Him in the morning? Thankfully, He knows my heart and will continue to speak to me as long as I am willing to hear. This morning it was the ever ringing word...TRUST. Oh how I love how the Father speaks to us and reminds us that we have HIM. 

This week I have the privilege of watching my nephew while his parents are away on a trip for work. Just as he is trusting me to take care of him while his parents are away, it is in that same way I need to trust my Father. 

 My nephew: Rhys.

As I got to work this morning, He reminded me of a song He so often uses to remind me of where I am and what He wants my heart to be. 

God is doing so much and I have so much to be thankful for! He gives me reason every day to TRUST in Him and to be thankful for what He is doing in my life. Although sometimes my focus can be a little off, I am reminded today of how worthy He is of my trust. He will "never leave nor forsake me" (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Do you need to sit at the Lord's feet and just be...listening to Him? 

This is who I am

Everyone has days where they doubt something about themselves or beat themselves up. God shared His heart with me through this song during a time when I really needed it. It helped pull me out of the lies I was believing and see what God was doing...and what He wanted for me. I am HIS...that is the only place my hope is secure! When life, lies and people can make us doubt, remember that God created YOU and wants you to remember that. 

This is who I am 

by: Shane and Shane

I am a new creation,

the old is passed away

and I’m made new

I’m made new.

And I have been adopted,

the door is opened up

for me to know you

be like you

This is who I am

I’ve been born again

the Cross is my defense, my hope secured

now my life is in Your Hand

on Your every word I stand

Lord I’m finding who I am in all you are

When my heart condemns me

tells me I am guilty

Your greater

Your greater

Jesus you have searched me,

and even in your finding

You have loved

and You love me

This is who I am

I’ve been born again

the Cross is my defense, my hope secured

now my life is in Your Hand

on Your every word I stand

Lord I’m finding who I am in all you are

For He mad Him who knew no sin

To be sent

On our behalf was crucified

Oh that we could be the righteousness

Of our creator

I am a new creation,

the old is passed away

and I’m made new

I’m made new.

This is who I am

I’ve been born again

the Cross is my defense, my hope secured

now my life is in Your Hand

on Your every word I stand

Lord I’m finding who I am in all you are

This is who I am

I’ve been born again

the Cross is my defense, my hope secured

now my life is in Your Hand

on Your every word I stand

Lord I’m finding who I am in all you are

What doubts do you need to bring before God and allow His truth to sink in? 

Healing + Allergies

A weird peace came over me this week as I found out that I once again was allergic to almost everything. I have been battling with weight gain, allergic reactions and just not feeling well.

BUT GOD.

He brought me to this amazing doctor who took the time to investigate what could be happening in my body and really wanted to help me figure out how to feel good.

It was not that the other doctors didn't try, it just came up showing nothing.

I have been telling people that maybe God didn't really heal me of my allergies before and they just manifested themselves in different ways I didn't notice, but I don't think that is accurate now. I DO think that the Lord healed me of my food allergies for a time, but for a different reason. I think He wanted to show me how to treat my body well, how to eat healthy and how to teach my body to crave the right things. I had spent years pushing bad food down my body only to throw it up again and again. I never wanted anything healthy unless I was going to have to be forced to keep it down.

Now, my body craves healthy. Not my mind, but my body. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food for so long that this was a breath of fresh air. 

God is so faithful to take us through tough situations and truly heal us. 

Has God healed you in a way that was unexpected? 

Overcame

God is so worthy of honor and glory. He overcame!

Today is a day of praise! He helped me to overcome the struggles I had yesterday, but even moreso, He helped me to overcome the life of sin that I was wrenched in

God can overcome so much if you would let Him. He is all powerful and wants so desperately to overcome whatever you have going on on your life right now.

What do you need Him to overcome today?

Distance

Distant. 

That is how I would describe my relationship with the Lord in the past month and a half. It could have been the craziness of work, life, moving, etc.. OR it could have just been that I wasn't spending enough time with God. Or could it be both? 

Today I sat out in the backyard where I am staying right now and it was a piece of Heaven on earth for me today. We had planned to go to the beach today (which is the place I go when my heart needs refreshment), but God prepped me for not going. There was part of me that doubted we were going so I didn't get my hopes up. Instead, it turned into an amazing day...a day that I got things done, but I got the chance to sit before the Lord. 

I would love to say that my time with Him near this beautiful creek refreshed my soul. It didn't. I started to get disappointed as I sat there because I wasn't "focused", BUT God gently said to me "just rest". I KNOW enough now about my relationship with Him to know that He will refresh my spirit and soul. Today, He just wanted me to rest and enjoy the time I had in this beautiful place. 

It doesn't take away the fact that I miss Him terribly. I miss the closeness I feel with Him and the true peace I have. BUT even though I don't "feel" it, I know it is there. I have to TRUST it.

At house church the other night, the leader was sharing from James 4:4-5 about not being in the world. He shared a poem he had written in regards to this (and to distance from the Lord). These are the words that stuck out to me: 

"Why must it take a mistake to surrender?...I may have mistakes and I may have pain, but I choose in this life to gain..."

The song below is by Shane and Shane and it is called "I miss you". Such a good description to where my heart is at. 

Put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine

it brings out flavor
like You bring out color in life
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/shane_shane/i_miss_you.html ]
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately high
ironically dissatisfied
i miss You
i miss You

oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember

i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are

What do you usually do in the times you feel distant from the Lord? 

 

The "List"- Part 2

Wife

The beauty of God giving me a list for my husband is that He also gave me a list to strive for as a future wife someday. As with the previous entry, He used the same movie to show me what I should be in a future wife. There are so many things I need to continue to surrender to the Lord and allow Him to grow in me, but this is what He has given me so far to strive for as a future wife.


WIFE

1. A woman who puts God first (part of God's family)

2. Ambitious and has goals
     - Proverbs 31:15-16 says "She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens."

3.  She has boundaries

4. She makes her husband want to be a better person
    - Proverbs 31:11 says "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain."

5. She is a woman of faith
    -Proverbs 31:30 says "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

6. She is willing to follow her husband's vision and submit to his leading

7. She is beautiful (inside and out- this is not beautiful as in what the magazines show, but TRUE beauty).

8. She is pure

9. She has a servant's heart

10. She desires to be a mother

11. She is modest

12. She encourages her husband and is his biggest cheerleader (even if she doesn't "feel" like it)

13. She "covers" her husband (instead of throwing him under the bus or talking badly about him (unnecessarily), she speaks highly of him).

The "List"- Part 1

 Husband

This year on my retreat with the Lord, my focus was on praying for my husband and for allowing God to help me figure out what I wanted in a husband according to His word. He helped me do this with a different twist: through a movie. I have always loved the movie "A Walk to Remember" and I really felt like God was asking me to watch the movie and figure out what it was that I liked so much about both characters. So, one of the evenings, I popped some popcorn, sat down and watched the movie with paper in my hand to write down what jumped out at me about the characters. When the movie was over, I looked at the characteristics I listed and almost all of then were Biblical.

I have never been a "list" girl in regards to what I want in a man. I am in several other areas, but this seemed to be "off limits" for me. This was the year to make the "list". I always am hesitant to talk about a "list" in regards to a future husband because of two things: 1) I don't want to be disappointed and 2) I don't want to put God in a box. God helped me to come up with a list according to His word but also according to who I am. The beauty is that He is constantly adding to it and changing it (in a good way). I am not one who cares about the material things, but rather the immaterial things...things that matter in a long lasting relationship.

HUSBAND

1. Priest- Be able not only to teach, but be knowledgeable in the Word and lead our family with God as the center. 

2. Provider- Someone who will provide for our family spiritually, financially and wisely...all with integrity. 

3. Protector: Someone who...

     - Protects me and my family physically from harm or danger

     - Fights for me and stands up for me

4. Someone who is trustworthy and that I can trust completely in

5. Someone that makes me feel small in size (not belittling or demeaning)

6. Someone who sees my independence and responds to it lovingly BUT who also allows me to be weak and vulnerable (even though I will want to fight hard against it)

7. Someone who will take care of my car issues and things that make me feel vulnerable (taking care of the problem, whether that is fixing it himself OR taking it somewhere)

8. Someone who listens: 

    -to what I like

    -to what I need

    -to what I have to say

    -to me

9. Someone who pursues and romances me (like Song of Solomon talks about) 

10. Someone who will ask permission (of the important people in my life) to marry me

11. Someone willing to comfort me

12. Someone who is respectful of me and my issues

13. Someone who is creative

14. Someone who makes and uncomfortable situation comfortable

15. Someone who I feel comfortable in my skin around

Acres of hope

Vineyard

As I was at the beach this past weekend, I came across a song that inspired me to write a letter to a friend. The more I go back to edit this post and read what God put on my heart for my friend, I realized this is for many women. 

Dear Friend,

I know that you often say that your story resembles Hosea. I found this song today and it reminded me of you. It is so beautiful and is taken from the story in Hosea.  I pray that you would always cling to where the Lord has brought you from and how much He loves YOU!

Hosea 2:14-16

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

and bring her into the wilderness,

and speak tenderly to her.

15 And there I will give her her vineyards

and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.

And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,

as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.

16 “And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’

Here are the lyrics to the song:

He will allure her

He will pursue her

And call her out

To wilderness with flowers in His hand

She is responding

Beat up and hurting

Deserving death

But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing

She will sing

Oh, to You

She will sing as in the days of youth

As You lead her away

To valleys low

To acres of hope

Acres of hope

Here in the valley

Walk close beside me

Don’t look back

For love is growing vineyards up ahead

You have called me master

And though you’re in the dark here

Call me friend

And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing

She will sing

Oh, to You

She will sing as in the days of youth

As You lead her away

To valleys low

To acres of hope

Acres of hope

How the story ends is

Love and tenderness in Him

Not safe, but worth it

So the valley’s up ahead

Or the ones we live

We’ll sing together

We’ll sing together

We will sing

We will sing

Oh, to You

We will sing as in the days of youth

As You lead us away

To valleys low

To acres of hope

Acres of hope